El Presidente Snake
by SamandMax
Summary: Snake becomes President of "Dave Coulierville", a country created by a buildup of garbage. The story also contains cloned police, spaghetti mountains, and a giant tin statue of Chuck Barris. I'll tell you right now, it makes little sense.


El Presidente Snake  
  
  
Snake- Welcome. If you are reading this, then it means you are interested in visiting my country, which is currently named "Dave Coulierville". If you do not know who Dave Coulier is, I strongly urge you to stop reading, and immediately look him up on the internet. But, we're here to talk about the country itself. I first started this country last year when Fidel Castro came up to me and sold me a piece of land that was recenltly formed from a large pileup of garbage. Being the superb politician I am, I ran for president, and won because both of the two citizens living here voted for me. So sit back, relax, and then sit back some more, and then perhaps relax a little more, but not too relaxed, because then you'll fall asleep and stop reading. So, let us begin.  
  
  
Freedom  
  
  
Snake- Here in Coulierville, we allow our citizens complete freedom to do what they want. But, there are a few things we won't stand for: genocide, homicide, regicide, pesticide, and of course, Mayor McCheese. Everything else is ok, unless of course it involves poodles, because they're also not allowed here. Just ask this happy citizen about his freedom.  
  
Citizen- Yes...I get lots of freedom. Just yesterday, I could go to the post office without fear of getting zapped by the Snake Police.  
  
Snake- Ah yes, the Snake Police. A group of police created from clones of me. They patrol the streets 28 hours a day, seven days a week. If you even look at something slightly criminal, they will zap you, trap you in a giant rubix cube, and then blast the song "She Drives me Crazy" into your ears while you try to solve the rubix cube. If you can't solve it you will, of course, die. It's a fair law.  
  
Citizen- Yes...very fair. I must go now, and bask in my freedom.  
  
Snake Police- WARNING! WARNING! CRIMINAL IN PRESENCE! CRIMINAL IN PRESENCE!  
  
Citizen- WAHAHHH! What did I do to deserve such pain!?  
  
Snake- Hahaha, don't worry about him, he's already dead.  
  
  
  
Education  
  
  
Snake- Education is important to I. It make people go smart, and then they go "Me Smart". Education good. So, you come, you learn.   
  
Citizen- Me finish Uminiversetete. I be doctor, cut you with knife, you feel better. Hurrah.  
  
Snake- See? Us Smart!  
  
Citizen- Who you?  
  
Snake- I president.   
  
Citizen- I no understand.  
  
Snake Police- WARNING! WARNING! CRIMINAL IN PRESENCE! CRIMINAL IN PRESENCE  
  
Citizen- Ahhh, I feel ouch!  
  
  
  
Money  
  
  
Snake- Here in Couilerville, we have a special currency. For example, one dollar in American money equals one Rocky II here. You see our currency is named after Sylvester Stallone movies. Why? Why not! See, here's an example of a common exchange.  
  
  
Buyer- Hello. I'd like to buy this egg.   
  
Seller- That'll be three Judge Dredd's.  
  
Buyer- What! That's insane, it should only be two Rambos!  
  
Seller- No way, two Rambos don't equal an egg, you got your currency all mixed up.  
  
Buyer- Ok ok, do you have change for a Rocky V?  
  
Seller- What do you think this is, a bank?  
  
  
Snake- See how simple our system works. Even a hippo with a funny hat could figure it out. Which reminds me, our national animal is a hippo.  
  
  
  
National Anthem  
  
  
Snake- Since our country's so special, we have a National Anthem. I wrote it myself, and it's called "Couiler, rock on!" Ahem. Let me read sing some of it:  
  
  
Oh Dave Couiler, cut it out.  
I saw you on Full House, you made it rock!  
You're much funnier than Bob Saget  
Let's go burn Saget's house down to the ground  
Dave Couiler, rock on!  
  
  
And then after that, there's this big rap finale with Whodini. Trust me, it's rap-tatious. Ahahaha.  
  
  
  
Gambling  
  
  
Snake- A lot of people come up to me in the streets and say "Hey, weirdo. I have lots of Demolition Man's, where can I spend it recklessly?". And so, I created the "Royal Bonanza Casino", where people can waste their money and I can use it to build a giant mansion made out of meatloaf. So, I decided to talk to some of the biggest gamblers in the country, to show how much they love it.  
  
Gambler- I lost all my money, I got addicted to buffet food, and one night, I woke up in bed with Sigfreid and Roy's tiger. These are the best times of my life!  
  
Slot Jockey- A slot machine fell on me yesterday, and broke my legs. I got such a big cash settlement, I'm now drowning in money! Dreams do come true at the Royal Bonanza Casino!  
  
Snake- See? Even crippled people have fun at the casino. So bring a sack full of cash to the casino, and spend, spend, spend. Because in Coulierville, it's not casiNO, it's casinYES!  
  
  
Pollution  
  
  
Snake- Have you ever seen Brazil? That place is such a dump, with all of it's flaming soccer balls and slums, you'd think someone dropped a garbage bomb on the place. So, we have taken special precautions to keep this place clean. Every three seconds, nine jets fly across the sky to stop any garbage bombs that might be dropped on the country. Even ask this scientist.  
  
Scientist- Hello. I am a scientist. With the jets in place, it's not possible for a garbage bomb to be dropped on us from above.  
  
Snake- What is a garbage bomb exactly? Well, maybe this will answer your innane questions!  
  
Scientist- A garbage bomb is a giant capsule packed full of millions upon millions of garbage. No, none have ever been used. And no, it's not been proven that there's such thing as a garbage bomb. But I can assure you, there's no garbage bombs in Couilerville!  
  
Snake- See? We're cleaner than than the pope's jokes. Oh, but there are hundreds of factories that blast smog into the city, but hey, who care about that when there's garbage bombs to worry about!  
  
  
Medical Care  
  
  
Snake- Are you unhealty? If so, we probaly cannot help you. But if you're healthy, or dead, then we can save you a lot of trouble! Coulierville is proud to be known as the Morgue Capital of the world. We have the largest morgue anywhere, called The Death Factory, we handle dead from over 80 countries! And if you're healthy? Well, then you can take a tour of the Death Factory, and you can see such famous spots as the Cremation Crypt, and the Rollercoaster of Embalming. Hey, you sir, who's not an actor, you look like you have a question?  
  
Person- Yes. What about people who need medical attention?  
  
Snake- Ahahahaha. Next question.  
  
Person- I've heard that you have the lowest death rate in all the world. Is this true?  
  
Snake- Absolutely. You see, whoever's about to die, we ship them to Spain, where they won't raise our death percentage. It's pure genius.  
  
Person- So do you actually have any healthcare?  
  
Snake- I'm not at liberty to discuss that. But I am at liberty to discuss cool, refreshing Pepsi. Mmmmmm, it's sweet!  
  
  
National Monuments  
  
  
Snake- So, I guess you're wondering if we have any big, fancy junk to make our country famous! Our biggest one is Spaghetti Mountain, a gigantic mountain made purely out of spaghetti!   
  
Tourist- Yeehaw! I just rode down Spaghetti Mountain on a gigantic fork! This place rocks my world!  
  
Snake- And I'm sure all of you statue lovers out there would like our next monument. It's a gigantic tin statue of Chuck Barris! Why? Well, I don't know why, but Chuck Barris is a funny guy.   
  
Tourist- This is the greatest statue I've ever seen! And it's made out of tin! Beautiful tin!  
  
Snake- But what about odd monuments. Well, for those freaks out there, we got the giant toilet, built in the middle of nowhere! Does anyone see the toilet?No! Does anyone use the toilet? No! Does this toilet actually exist? No one knows, but we're guessing there's a giant toilet somewhere out there! And if there isn't, then you get your money back! Didn't give us money! Then we'll give you a free spork!  
  
Tourist- Wow! Spork!  
  
  
  
  
  
Snake- And so, that's Dave Coulierville. It may not be the nicest country, the safest country, and it smells like wet cat, but it's a place that you'll love, because if you don't, we're going to make sure you get arrested and killed, because we don't allow people to say anything bad about our country. And remember, our National Anthem is a hippo , we have to be good!  
  
Snake Police- WARNING! WARNING! CRIMINAL IN PRESENCE! CRIMINAL IN PRESENCE  
  
Snake- AUUGGGHHH! MY SKULL!  
  
  
Snake Police- CRIMINAL REMOVED! RESUME DAILY ACTIVITIES!  
  
Snake- This....is....ugh....President Snake....signing off....YEAARRRHGHH....... 


End file.
